LIVING IN DENIAL

I get easily upset when people don’t do what i want or when they don’t say what i want them to say to me, or act in a certain way that seems right to me, it’s a sad place to be really cause when you expect others to not do the same things you are doing, cause you definitely wouldn’t want anyone to be in a place that taunts u and keep you wondering if anyone would look at you with love or say nice things to you. i get to tell others how they should act in certain situations and what is expected of them as humans but do i take my own advice? Why do i doubt myself so much? Why don’t i believe in myself? Why doesn’t anyone care about me? all these things are running through my mind even as i put up the brightest smile known to men, yes i have the power to make people smile just by looking at you, the power to bring comfort just by the words i say, the little words i say have the power to bring back broken spirits from a place of torment, yes i can do these things. I am smart as i can be, beautiful in my own way, witty and funny as hell or at least that’s what i tell myself

But…………………………

it always starts with a harmless “but” that person is faring better than i am, more beautiful than i am, has more friends than i do, is lucky to have someone  to rely on, she is so popular, how can i compete with that? been asking myself these questions for years until i realized i was harming myself more, i couldn’t grow i remained at a spot, lonely and depressed yes i had clinical depression, i lost my self-worth, even if you wouldn’t notice. i was so scared at ever venturing out of my shell because i felt that interacting with people would only make me feel worse than i was feeling already, i was torn inside fighting with my will to survive and how i was going to get through each day without doing something stupid to myself. i started becoming bitter and hateful, mind you, it never showed cause as human i had a way of covering up for myself putting up defenses between  myself and the outside world, bubbly on the outside but just a child begging to be loved and accepted on the inside, i was stuck. I heard voices every day in my head, screaming at me hurtful things like; you are useless, you are too dumb, see how stupid you are, the worse was you will never go far in life. Like the voices in my head wasn’t inflicting pain enough. The society helped solidify the voices in my head with its usual train of thought. Thoughts like; you aren’t beautiful, you are too fat, you don’t have any style, you lack social graces, and lots of other hurtful things. the only avenue to escape this was to stuff my face and my belly with food, see the enemy got a hold of me through gluttony  oh it felt good to be able to pour my anger out on something other than myself , i ate to feel good, i stuffed my mouth and stomach with things that elated my spirit and made me feel good about myself, then i grew up, age wise and i started hearing about someone  who loved without asking for nothing in return see i was a Christian yes i went to church, i knew how the Christ came to set me free and all but i guess the preachers message didn’t just come out right at all cause i would go to church and come back the same way i went there or worse, cause you see the church was made up of the same people in the society  only that on Sundays they get to play dress up and act the movie called  holiness featuring his brother/sister self-righteousness as the guest actor/actress. Meanwhile their lives were either as messed up as mine or worse. I have never felt so nauseated by the mere gathering of people in one place. It grew worse by the day so i stopped attending services or would only go there when there were fun things to do. But i had a problem, i knew forsaking the house of God was a sin but where would i turn to for help? But the answer i got was a resounding silence. With my inner man seeking answers i knew i had to act fast. then i went down on my knees and asked for help the loneliness and hate i carried was like a big burden on me, and i was so sure that i couldn’t bear them alone, the answers i got shook me to the core. he spoke to me with love , saying if only i knew the things he had to bear just for me to live, the pains on the cross he had to take in just for me, the anger the father poured on him just to save me from self, if only i knew, if only we knew that we didn’t have to beg to be accepted cause someone accepts us, beg to be loved cause his kinda love is unconditional without measure and selfless, all the comfort we desire are only meant to be found in him not in any man made of out of the dust of the earth only then would we truly be happy.

You might shake your head and murmur to yourself “oh that’s sad” but the truth is that there are so many people living like this but are in denial of the truth, I just want you to know that no matter how horrible you are feeling About your situation, you are never alone cause he keeps wishing you would turn back to him instead of yourself or some lowlife for comfort and watch how he turns your situation around. You don’t have to go through it yourself.

Trust him (Christ) it’s all he needs you to do

Love Suzanne