ON FEELING USELESS

Have you ever felt useless?

Am sorry, let's get a little bit personal here. Shall we?

Precisely about a month ago I started having bouts of this feeling in spasms and it kinda gets to me- I am just being honest-

It's like i want to be as useful as I can be in whatever it is I am doing, helping with whatever little experience I have gained over the years. But it only seems that people have no interest in what you can do; they would rather pay you to do what they want you to do, even the ones you have no knowledge about. At least I try to learn to do it, and I don't feel angry about it. Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows am all about learn, UN-learn and re-learn strategy.

It's the same everywhere ranging from our families, friends, relationships and the larger society. It's so sad that people tell you that they accept you for who you are and in the next few seconds they are already telling you what they would like you to change about who you are, trust me they are very subtle about it. It may seem like a harmless advice most of the time but trust me if you go down to the root of this matter the only person that benefits from the so-called change is the adviser.

In my personal relationships, I often feel useless. It's like I want to be as funny, entertaining and inspiring as I can to help people in my own little way, but they don't see it that way, I feel that people want you to do the things that you can't do, and they get disappointed when you don't do those things, most times I don't even have interest in the things they want me to do.

They want you to do things their way regardless of how it makes you feel. They say things like; I am only looking out for, I only want the best for you. Without them even listening to what you have to say.
It's only proper that I set things right here.

Here is what happens when you try to change who you really are based on what people's opinions are. A life filled with depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses, and it doesn't get better.

It's safe to say that my kind of introvert is extreme, while growing up I wasn't the outgoing type; people called me weird especially my mum, my friends made fun of me and called me "granny", so I decided to change. I started doing things that were out of my comfort zone, started acting and pretending, it's ok that after so many years my brain decided it has had enough. What followed next was Depression.

My brain told me girl, I am tired of having two personalities, no more acting and pretending, I am shutting down until you learn to be you again. We all have our dark days but until you learn to face your demons headlong they will keep sitting on your lungs till they choke you to death.

There's something wrong with this picture. There's something wrong when I feel like I can't create a life according to my strengths, but my life can be judged by my weaknesses. And they're not even weaknesses. They're just the things that I can't do. And most of them, I really don't want to do either.

I have to evolve further. Instead of expecting these people to get it, I'm the one who has to get it. I've got to stop relying on and allowing other people to define me and my worth.

I realized that if I have to do what everyone thought I should be doing I would become a mutant and become crazy. Or if
I became depressed anytime someone made a joke about how overweight, boring, stupid, or worthless (that's to say the least) I was, I would be a patient at "yaba-left" (its a home for people with mental issues)

It's fine for me to feel useless when I'm actually being useless, when there is evidence to back up that claim.

When I am trying, working. Learning, brain-storming and sweating, but the results of that aren't visible to anyone except me; it doesn't mean I'm useless.

It does mean that others can't possibly see my world through my eyes. I have to forgive them for that. And I have to forgive myself for not realizing all of this sooner.

Love Suzanne.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN