I get easily
upset when people don’t do what i want or when they don’t say what i want them
to say to me, or act in a certain way that seems right to me, it’s a sad place
to be really cause when you expect others to not do the same things you are
doing, cause you definitely wouldn’t want anyone to be in a place that taunts u
and keep you wondering if anyone would look at you with love or say nice things
to you. i get to tell others how they should act in certain situations and what
is expected of them as humans but do i take my own advice? Why do i doubt
myself so much? Why don’t i believe in myself? Why doesn’t anyone care about
me? all these things are running through my mind even as i put up the brightest
smile known to men, yes i have the power to make people smile just by looking
at you, the power to bring comfort just by the words i say, the little words i
say have the power to bring back broken spirits from a place of torment, yes i
can do these things. I am smart as i can be, beautiful in my own way, witty and
funny as hell or at least that’s what i tell myself
But…………………………
it always starts
with a harmless “but” that person is faring better than i am, more beautiful
than i am, has more friends than i do, is lucky to have someone to rely on, she is so popular, how can i
compete with that? been asking myself these questions for years until i
realized i was harming myself more, i couldn’t grow i remained at a spot,
lonely and depressed yes i had clinical depression, i lost my self-worth, even
if you wouldn’t notice. i was so scared at ever venturing out of my shell
because i felt that interacting with people would only make me feel worse than
i was feeling already, i was torn inside fighting with my will to survive and
how i was going to get through each day without doing something stupid to
myself. i started becoming bitter and hateful, mind you, it never showed cause
as human i had a way of covering up for myself putting up defenses between myself and the outside world, bubbly on the
outside but just a child begging to be loved and accepted on the inside, i was
stuck. I heard voices every day in my head, screaming at me hurtful things
like; you are useless, you are too dumb, see how stupid you are, the worse was
you will never go far in life. Like the voices in my head wasn’t inflicting
pain enough. The society helped solidify the voices in my head with its usual
train of thought. Thoughts like; you aren’t beautiful, you are too fat, you
don’t have any style, you lack social graces, and lots of other hurtful things.
the only avenue to escape this was to stuff my face and my belly with food, see
the enemy got a hold of me through gluttony
oh it felt good to be able to pour my anger out on something other than
myself , i ate to feel good, i stuffed my mouth and stomach with things that
elated my spirit and made me feel good about myself, then i grew up, age wise
and i started hearing about someone who
loved without asking for nothing in return see i was a Christian yes i went to
church, i knew how the Christ came to set me free and all but i guess the
preachers message didn’t just come out right at all cause i would go to church
and come back the same way i went there or worse, cause you see the church was
made up of the same people in the society
only that on Sundays they get to play dress up and act the movie
called holiness featuring his brother/sister
self-righteousness as the guest actor/actress. Meanwhile their lives were
either as messed up as mine or worse. I have never felt so nauseated by the
mere gathering of people in one place. It grew worse by the day so i stopped
attending services or would only go there when there were fun things to do. But
i had a problem, i knew forsaking the house of God was a sin but where would i
turn to for help? But the answer i got was a resounding silence. With my inner
man seeking answers i knew i had to act fast. then i went down on my knees and
asked for help the loneliness and hate i carried was like a big burden on me,
and i was so sure that i couldn’t bear them alone, the answers i got shook me
to the core. he spoke to me with love , saying if only i knew the things he had
to bear just for me to live, the pains on the cross he had to take in just for
me, the anger the father poured on him just to save me from self, if only i
knew, if only we knew that we didn’t have to beg to be accepted cause someone
accepts us, beg to be loved cause his kinda love is unconditional without
measure and selfless, all the comfort we desire are only meant to be found in
him not in any man made of out of the dust of the earth only then would we
truly be happy.
You might shake
your head and murmur to yourself “oh that’s sad” but the truth is that there
are so many people living like this but are in denial of the truth, I just want
you to know that no matter how horrible you are feeling About your situation,
you are never alone cause he keeps wishing you would turn back to him instead
of yourself or some lowlife for comfort and watch how he turns your situation
around. You don’t have to go through it yourself.
Trust him
(Christ) it’s all he needs you to do
Love Suzanne
