Light comes on
Susan screams.
Cobwebs everywhere
Picks broom
Cleans everywhere.
With dust covered face,
she turns and gives the most
Heartfelt apology ever

Women and Men of Reflections, I should write an apology letter for abandoning this beautiful thing we have going on here, but God knows I probably won't finish it in time because the thing long die, so please have mercy on me and pardon my weird disappearance.

What happened you might ask? The only answer to that question is this: school happened, I know am supposed to write about what I've been up to but boring cannot describe it sef.

Hope everyone forgives me.
*bats eyelashes, drops makeshift microphone,picks the most powerful weapon ever; The pen and starts writing furiously*

Fellow reflectionist *sounds beautiful* make una help me talk this matter, cause I don tire to dey hear all this things wey people dey load me with.

I have 99 problems and depression is part of it. Are you upset cause I talk about it? Deal with it.

So a guy friend walks up to me and says "Nne I've been watching you for days now and you don't look happy, remember a problem shared is a problem solved"
I look into his soulful eyes, thanking God for sending me someone to talk to and I answer
"I am depressed" and he goes "Nigerians don't have depression"

***awkward silence*** More depressed susan*** she packs her bags and storms off to God knows where***

Now that scene happened for real, anyone who knows me will know that I try to be open-minded about this depression issue as much as I can, shey make I begin give definition of this depression thing? I beg to differ after all wetin google dey exist for?

But am going to say something about this thing once and for all.
1. You are weak in the faith that's why the devil attacks you with depression: Religion has nothing to do with depression, even david in the bible was a classic case of a depressive, advice the person to get Help if you can't say something else.

2. Get over it: (˘̯˘ ) you think I like being this way?

3.You only have negative thoughts that's why you are depressed: Positive thinking might alleviate depression but its not the cure.

4. You are weak that's why you have depression, errrm its the opposite am a mutant soldier who carry's on living despite having depression.

5. You think too much: like really?

But this is the truth:
i think it's important to recognize the number of factors that contribute to a person's behaviors and perception of the world.And I know that some people-regardless of their upbringing,or despite having a 'healthy' upbringing- will make poor choices.  and even then, i attempt to understand

Because what i know is that you cannot reduce people to hasty generalizations based on your limited understanding of their situation because of facts stated it is much more complicated than that. And also there are still so many people in this world who do not understand. who choose not to understand. and who continue to blame people for the suffering they do not take the time to understand.
And so if your understanding of depression or suicide is one that blames the person who is struggling with the mental illness, i would challenge that your knowledge of their life and experiences is incomplete. i would challenge you to have one conversation with a person who has had thoughts of suicide, attempted suicide, or who struggles with a mental illness. i challenge you to be curious rather than judgmental, open minded and open hearted.

I challenge you to seek to understand rather than assume that you already know, because you really do not know. 

For those whose suffering feels unnoticed,For those people who feel quietly stuck inside their mind, those that feel hopeless,whose cries for help are mislabeled or misunderstood as cries for attention or flaws in their being,For the people who feel too tired to continue living,For people who struggle with depression and For people who don't,For people who are having a bad day,or kerosene subsidy hit you, or Nepa keeps robing you of your joy, or those who have horrible bosses, for those with plenty friends yet extremely lonely and for those people who don't understand the illness but are willing to try. 

There is still time to ask for help, to smile, to heal, to live, to love and to recover
There is still time for sunshine, love and every beautiful thing you could ever imagine to come into you heart, there is still time to live again.

And for those asking why I cut my hair in the first place, I did it because I wanted to attempt suicide, and I thought people would notice I needed help for my condition but people only made me feel worse about it, and yes I finally found help for my condition, even though its hard to talk about sometimes. Get help if you are depressed.

If you ever want to talk about somethings or nothings, please do email me edensue7@gmail.com.

Love Suzanne.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

SPOILER ALERT+Random Ramblings

Hey sweethearts! I am terribly sorry I haven't been writing frequently! Here is something to make up for the past months.

P.S I have a new blog : suzanneobasi.worpdress.com
Please do check it out and let me know what you think. In the mean time, enjoy the read.
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A day has passed since my world collapsed around me, and I had to go through the torture of watching it in anguish and pain; yet a part of me is awesomely glad that all those things had happened for they could have been the ruin of everyone involved.

Am starting to think that I have a FETISH for broken hearts and the scars they leave in their wake. Because with each passing of every tragedy, I begin to crave for another.
I should probably call myself the SCAR COLLECTOR (spoiler alert!) Someone else has that job description but with a different name.

Only that with this tragedy I find myself devoid of any humanly emotion possible.
Am bereft of the pain that actually follows after a tragedy.
I feel tired and empty.
I keep staring into space, thinking the same thoughts till my brain starts to ache and I fall into a fitful sleep.

It will pass, I tell myself.
Until I Read John Green's awesomely happy sad book The Fault in our Stars, I cried for an hour hoping that the tears might bring release not because it gives me sheer pleasure to do so even though am not ill with any terminal disease, I felt completely in sync with the main character in the book.

Spoiler alert! He made all the stories up, even though it was too surreal to be fiction, I laughed as hard as I cried.
I never cry for books or movies *puts on Badass geek glasses*
But with all the roller coaster of emotions swirling in circles around me, I find myself constantly upset and Bawling is the only logical Reaction my weary brain could think of.

Some infinities are greater than other infinities.

you damn sure get to choose your battles, but the truth remains that no matter how many battles you win, the constant War we engage in with the universe just to be noticed because we fear OBLIVION leaves us at constant loss.

Striving to win a battle but losing a war is as good as not being existent.

Choose wisely Sue.

For now I demand to be left in peace to actually enjoy the gift of PERSONHOOD, even though its never easy.

Just like Hazel Grace in the book whom even with faulty lungs she survives, yes she does.
So even though my world has crumbled, I am going to rebuild it, like Mike said "But the realization that feelings can come over and over again is liberating"

Yet I will not forget to live in the moment.

Till my emotions allow me (Spoiler Alert!) I am not going on a Hiatus.

I shall be sane for a little longer. :)
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

ON FEELING USELESS

Have you ever felt useless?

Am sorry, let's get a little bit personal here. Shall we?

Precisely about a month ago I started having bouts of this feeling in spasms and it kinda gets to me- I am just being honest-

It's like i want to be as useful as I can be in whatever it is I am doing, helping with whatever little experience I have gained over the years. But it only seems that people have no interest in what you can do; they would rather pay you to do what they want you to do, even the ones you have no knowledge about. At least I try to learn to do it, and I don't feel angry about it. Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows am all about learn, UN-learn and re-learn strategy.

It's the same everywhere ranging from our families, friends, relationships and the larger society. It's so sad that people tell you that they accept you for who you are and in the next few seconds they are already telling you what they would like you to change about who you are, trust me they are very subtle about it. It may seem like a harmless advice most of the time but trust me if you go down to the root of this matter the only person that benefits from the so-called change is the adviser.

In my personal relationships, I often feel useless. It's like I want to be as funny, entertaining and inspiring as I can to help people in my own little way, but they don't see it that way, I feel that people want you to do the things that you can't do, and they get disappointed when you don't do those things, most times I don't even have interest in the things they want me to do.

They want you to do things their way regardless of how it makes you feel. They say things like; I am only looking out for, I only want the best for you. Without them even listening to what you have to say.
It's only proper that I set things right here.

Here is what happens when you try to change who you really are based on what people's opinions are. A life filled with depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses, and it doesn't get better.

It's safe to say that my kind of introvert is extreme, while growing up I wasn't the outgoing type; people called me weird especially my mum, my friends made fun of me and called me "granny", so I decided to change. I started doing things that were out of my comfort zone, started acting and pretending, it's ok that after so many years my brain decided it has had enough. What followed next was Depression.

My brain told me girl, I am tired of having two personalities, no more acting and pretending, I am shutting down until you learn to be you again. We all have our dark days but until you learn to face your demons headlong they will keep sitting on your lungs till they choke you to death.

There's something wrong with this picture. There's something wrong when I feel like I can't create a life according to my strengths, but my life can be judged by my weaknesses. And they're not even weaknesses. They're just the things that I can't do. And most of them, I really don't want to do either.

I have to evolve further. Instead of expecting these people to get it, I'm the one who has to get it. I've got to stop relying on and allowing other people to define me and my worth.

I realized that if I have to do what everyone thought I should be doing I would become a mutant and become crazy. Or if
I became depressed anytime someone made a joke about how overweight, boring, stupid, or worthless (that's to say the least) I was, I would be a patient at "yaba-left" (its a home for people with mental issues)

It's fine for me to feel useless when I'm actually being useless, when there is evidence to back up that claim.

When I am trying, working. Learning, brain-storming and sweating, but the results of that aren't visible to anyone except me; it doesn't mean I'm useless.

It does mean that others can't possibly see my world through my eyes. I have to forgive them for that. And I have to forgive myself for not realizing all of this sooner.

Love Suzanne.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

I NEED A MOMENT

I need a moment.

Don't look shocked, you knew this was coming.

I need a moment to get away from this nagging voice inside my head.
The voice that used to be my source of comfort when you tortured my soul, only that now it seems like a curse, because its threatening to take away my sanity.

I would rather have my sanity than have you beside me.

Even though you are my guilty pleasure. Maybe I should give in to you just this one time. I swear it feels so good to have you here; or……….. I would rather not.

Don't stare at me with puppy eyes. I have become oblivious to your charms.

Don't caress my flesh; I have become immune to your touch.

Don't even dare to whisper sweet words to me, talk is cheap. a lot of people seem to have something to say these days. At least I could make sense about what they say because they talk about how lovely the weather is today, how someone stole money from public funds, how BH is going on a killing spree, how there are so many evils in our world today; but your whispers are empty nothings.

As it would seem yesterday, we had an amazing time together. We were high on each other, the urge was so great that I couldn't wait to be in your arms; conscious of what I was doing, my soul was crying out begging for release but you would have none of it.

You used me. Are you surprised? because I seemed to enjoy it too.
But It was all for the glorification of your master; you weren't even doing it for you,
I like your master better because he has balls, you are nothing but a pawn in his hands; just like I am.

After all was said and done, you left me feeling empty; because for each time you go, a little part of me goes with you. Guilt overshadowed me; I have contemplated suicide three times this morning.

I need a moment.
To think about whether I would take my life, because just like you, I have a master too. And there you thought you owned me.

The truth is I betrayed him.

I made a modern day Baal out of my selfish desires to please my flesh. Judas reincarnated.

I need a moment.

To think if I must continue to have my fleeting pleasure with you or return to my master.

But wait…………..

I already decided on what I needed to do.
I will take a moment to say these things to you.

Leave me be!
I will have no part in your senseless games anymore.
I won't let you use me anymore.
I won't feel the need to kill myself each time you leave me feeling empty and worthless.
I will be free.

Or will i?

I know better than to feel any remorse for what I am about to do to you, I am dumping your sorry ass.

Knowing my master enough, he won't even blink before accepting me, even though he would have none of my evil deeds, he wholly accepts me.

Unlike you, who was always all up in my face about my flaws.

I choose to not kill myself like Judas. I know that no matter how badly my performance is; he will wipe my board and give me a clean slate.

I need a moment to say a prayer for me and all those people you cheated on me with; those who are still swooning and drooling over how amazing you are, they would come to know the truth soon.

Last night I called you dearest, it sounded so good to be with someone who gave me temporal comfort, tonight I tag you 'SIN'

I choose not to fraternize with you anymore.

Just in case you were wondering who my master is. Ask your master to tell you but wait again……….he will just lie and belittle my master to up his rep; so I will do you a favor by telling you.

He is Jesus Christ the one who taketh away the "SINS" of the world.

I need a moment more to tell you this.
Never again will I hear your name and feel butterflies in my stomach.
I am casting you away like the piece of trash that you are.

I need a moment to tell you this too.

I love someone else now. You have become my EX and it feels so good to say that without any pain in my heart.

So long, farewell.

With indifference,Suzanne.

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

RANDOM MUSINGS

So here I am, lying down and thanking God that Mtn decided to spare us the hassle of cursing them to mars and back.

Found out that simi lost her dad, even though they weren't close and all that. just reading about his death from her brother too made me realize how grateful I should be on behalf of my family.
My prayers go out to her family.

Here is a thing or two I thought everyone should reflect on.

We have become so engrossed in our selves to an extent we no longer have time to care for others, yes they might be in our thoughts, prayers on our lips everyday but reaching out to our loved ones enables them know and understand that we are out here soliciting for them.

We may not be aware of the struggles that goes on in everyone's life,
we may not be there when they take their last breath on earth.
It goes a long way when we know deep down that we didn't just say I love you's, we showed the love and was privileged enough to share this persons life in one way or the other.

I know its easier said than done.

Yes we might get so caught up with our work, school or most times doing nothing.

I implore you to reach out to that relative,friend,parents even foes because you only get to live once and leave your mark forever.
Write that letter, make that phone call, and try to visit.

Be kind,Be kind, Be kind.

I will take my own advice and try to do same.


Love Suzanne.

SATISFY THE WORLD, HELL NO!!!!!!!!

So am sitting in my room; horrible cramps, laptop open and can't seem to understand why my laptop just starts acting out, typing words and they reproduce themselves right before my eyes, trust me it's frustrating. . . . but I did not come here to rant even tho the
thing dey pain me well well. And don't ask me what that picture is doing there *comic relief I guess*

First of I want to say that I am sorry, but this time I term the excuse very flimsy. I lacked inspiration to do a thing. Also the next time I will put up a post it would be on another platform, I have to do the official hand over post.

I love Chief Commander Ebenezer Obey, and yes he my muse for this post. While listening to his song; which you can download here: http://188.138.99.222/yt/d/92/the_horse_the_man_and_the_son_2_of_2_.wmv_mp3_63255.mp3. If you can't understand yoruba get someone to do it for you, its a great song.

The world is a small big place, and the variety of people that live here can drive you nuts, but life would be boring and Bleh if aliens kidnap them and disappear overnight, leaving just you alone to enjoy the riches.

Yeah right! Like that is going to happen anytime soon.

Baba Ebenezer says in his song that there is no intelligence, Good manners, road to riches etc. You know, that can satisfy the humans that live in this world.

The way you like a thing done isn't the way I like it done. one man's meat is another mans poison. I can't make you like me or the other person down the street,so today I employ you to look at every situation you are faced with carefully before opening your mouth to offer your opinion.

The truth is most people don't really care about what you have to say, because most times no matter how a person does a thing, it can never satisfy you except you do that thing your self.

Try as much as possible to respect everyone's descision no matter how crazy it may seem and even if you don't agree with it.

I am done trying to please people.
Most folks are.

There is no harm in advising a friend/foe, or dishing out constructive criticisms and stuff. but if you start shoving your ideas down my throat, I might as well do what I want/need to do.

Be kind with your words.
Life shouldn't be so hard.

P.S Baba Ebenezer ends the song by saying do your best and leave the rest.

*singing* commander Suzanne, do your best and leave the rest*

Love Suzanne.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

DEFINING ME

I think its safe to say that I have had the busiest month ever. But not to worry, I will be back. Bigger and better.
How was your weekend?
Mine was dull except the tiny fact that I met the amazing trio at Ask the writers-episode 1 on saturday.

So here is a little something I penned down, and am super sure that a lot of folks will relate to it. Enjoy the read and have a beautiful and productive day ahead.

Thanks to peace itimi of http://peaceitimi.blogspot.com/?m=1 and annette davies for editing it.
............................................................

Perhaps the best way to define a thing/person is to find out what its not.

I am not the clothes I wear,
Neither am I the shoes on my feet.
I am not the extensions I attach to my hair
I am not my underwear, which by design are meant to not be seen
I am not the glasses I wear, just so we are clear I ain't myopic in nature.
I am neither a slave to the material things that tempt me endlessly.
All these things and more are just physical and there are what I am not.......

A persons like or dislikes has nothing to do with who they are.

I like chocolate
I love the color blue
I like music
I love to write
I like art

But this things are not what I am made of, they only define the things that make me happy - The things I take pleasure in.

Let me tell you who I am.

I am strong..brave.. And determined

I take no pleasure in mediocrity

I wanna be rich and famous - ain't even going to deny that.

I have a beautiful mind

I am complicated but like a puzzle that may look scattered,I come together to make a beautiful picture

I am wonderfully and fearfully made.

I am loved.

So, don't go defining me by what you hear on the rumor mill, people have their own opinions - doesn't make it true

And Yea, don't even go defining me by my temperament.
I'm only human, I get mad and make mistakes sometimes.

Now, here I am telling you that:
I don't bite,
I won't smile so much that it annoys or freaks you out but neither would I frown - all I want is your comfort.
I would 'try' to answer all you ask but I can't meet all your expectations - I'm only human.
I won't hurt you deliberately but they'd be times we'd want to hate each other - our differences as individuals would always speak up at times.

All I'm saying is: I'm not perfect, I make mistakes but I'm deeper than you see in the surface and I'd never intentionally do anything to hurt you.
All I'm asking is: Don't just go saying sh** about me and before you go defining me; actually take time and KNOW ME - The Me I know (or at least close)

Love Suzanne.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN